How to support a loved one after an unexpected death.

 This isn't a blog post that I thought I would be writing. Actually it breaks my heart.

Not that I would never have talked about this very important topic on this site, just never thought it would be in this way.

My heart is broken for one of my children.   A person he was beginning to get close with has passed unexpectedly this past week.  On Saturday we were at a memorial service of a friend who also decided to end his life.   My son said he has lost 10 people in 4 years, a majority of them to suicide. 

This is tragic.

This blog post is about being a scared mom, leading my family to how to help support their brother who is crushed right now.  I am scared for my son, for his decisions, his healing, his ability to keep trusting. 

Yet we are very lucky to have members of our family in the counseling field. While that fact alone in no way insulates us from really anything, we are lucky to have a practice and the information of helping people through crisis.    These are the very tools we are using to help our family member and it is my hope that these tools can help someone you love too.

Feelings are real. And unpredictable
There is no right way to process such a shock, actually any emotional shock. You may have seen lists in print stating that these are the stages of grief. Well, yes , those are the stages but emotions don't follow a path, they are their own beast. When you or your loved one experiences emotions that appear " out of the time line" , know that your loved one is experiences the feelings perfectly for them.  The feelings that you may feel or see are:
shock
anger
quiet
guilt 
despair
blame
depression
flashbacks
denial
and many others

When I worked in hospice and in oncology, we would see people all of the time fight because they felt some family members weren't   "grieving right".   Your loved one may appear that nothing is wrong, or make inappropriate jokes at the wrong times. Someone may appear to not be taking the news seriously.   There is no right way to feel the emotions, to take surprising news and no blue print when emotions raise their ugly head. 

 Just sit and be with the person, you don't have to remind them of the event, they know.  Let the information flow , some people won't talk at all, others will talk to the most smallest detail.   Remind them that you love them and make space for the emotions to be completely upended,   There is no timeline on grief.

REALLY, really listen 
Let the person know that you don't know what to say. It's ok, They probably don't know what they want you to say either.   There are no perfect words that can make a loved one's death ok.  Try to offer nonjudgement support.   Let them tell their story over and over again, or sometimes not at all.  Listen to their words and read their body language. If they are telling the story and appear to shiver, ask if they need a blanket, a warm cup of tea.  A hug may not always be what a grieving person needs , but also offer that if it feels appropriate.  

Make sure that they know you have no expectations of how long they will grieve nor how they will express it.  In our family the rule has always been you feel your feelings as long as you need to .  It is just as important to listen to the story the first time right after it happens, as it is the 100th time 5 months later , as it is on the anniversary.   There is no time line, only integration of the reality of the loss with the person's present. 

It's OK to not know what to do
There are no etiquette books on the proper way to handle grief or shock.  So make sure you don't try to "bring the perfect answer".   Don't beat on yourself for not knowing what to do or become inauthentic with your loved one.  They will sense your lack of comfort and may become uncomfortable themselves, which will make the emotions more difficult to manage.

Tell then you don't know what to say.  It's ok to show concern and tell them you are worried about them.  With my son, I apologized and said, " I don't know what to say, so sometimes I will talk about chores or other stuff because I feel awkward. " He smiled and said he understood.  That clear communication helped both of us, I could be who I needed to be and he knew that I wan't making light of his pain or placing an expectation of a timeline of healing on him.

Allow the person you are supporting to dictate what they need.  If they need to talk, do that. If they need to be quiet , do that.  My son loves our local Chinese Buffet and even though I didn't really have the budget for it, we all went to the Chinese Buffet.  I think the normalcy and the distraction helped him through a few minutes. 

While it's ok to cry and express emotion with your loved one, process your feelings with someone outside of the issue. Your loved one is trying to breathe, They can't handle care taking of another person right now or manage your pain at their pain.  Allow them to lean on you, you lean on another. 

Root Chakra Issue
Remember, it is about making it through the next few minutes in the beginning.  This is the kind of event that shakes someone to their very core.  When in shock, we move back into our very foundation.  Allow you and your loved one to be as base as they need. 

Intentional healing within the root chakra can include some deep work, yet there are gentle ways to work within this level.  
* grounding essential oil blends with an airy note can be helpful.  Something like sandalwood and lavender; citrus and juniper.   Have these only in the home, not where the event occurred, you want a positive association of healing with the oils. 
* wear organic, soft fabrics.
* Keep food simple, warm and limited processed foods as much as possible. Warm root vegetables in a beautiful broth may be pleasant and easily digestible. 
* Keep sound and light levels low
* encourage rest , not just sleep, include a yoga nidra
* exercise moderate, restorative yoga poses, walks in nature
* remind your loved one that they are safe and you are present to be of help
* remind them that it is ok to be distracted and laugh, play games or go dancing. This doesn't mean that they have forgotten their loved one, it means that they are being healthy in their grief and a distraction may give their mind a moment to heal.

In Summary:
A sudden death can be such a shock to the system and there are no perfect words to say, no time limit on grief.  Yet allowing someone to grieve in front of you can be one of the kindest acts of service that you will ever do.

Remember to take care of yourself so you can be completely present with them. Listen to what they need and allow that need. It may be different from the way you would grieve, that is ok.  There is no rule book.

In the early days of grief, allow everything to slow down.  Make life around them simple, nourishing and quiet.

People heal, I promise. They may not be the same person as before the event.  No one ever is. But, when you are present, you will help them to come back into a life that they can recognize and begin to enjoy again. 

May you be blessed on this sacred way.

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